John R. Brandt's Blog

Top 5 Signs Your Customer May Be In Trouble

1. Stretching out payments.

2. Not returning phone calls.

3. Former accounts payable employee left company, invoices now being handled by administrative assistant.

4. Administrative assistant has left company, invoice inquiries now being referred to "Skip," who doesn't have a phone extension yet. He'll call you back.

5. This number disconnected, no further information available.

Overheard

"Some people are Platinum on their favorite airline. I'm Platinum on the turnpike."

I Love the Markets (2)...

Big, Big, BIG — I mean, calamitously enormous — Q1 losses reported today by Key Bank  ($488 million) and Zions Bankcorp ($832 million) but the Dow Jones went up 127 points after yesterday's 290-point freefall inspired by, of course, actual bank profits.

Argh (2).

I Love the Markets...

...Where bad news can be good (as long as it's not as bad as traders and investors feared) and good news can be bad (Bank of America posted a $4.2 billion profit in the first quarter, but saw its stock hammered by 24% as investors worried: What if BofA can't maintain this pace?). Honestly, the market is like every crazy girlfriend I ever had (I know you've been  [Insert one: nice, considerate, faithful] so far, but what if you stop?]

Argh.

The Greatest Debt Repayment Incentive Ever...

...has been the U.S. Government's insistence that any financial institution receiving assistance must limit executive compensation. In the last week banks have been lining up to pay back the TARP funds they received just last fall or even this winter.... amazing how differently the leaders of these firms feel about their institutions' solvency, once the beach house or the yacht gets threatened....

New Math

Trying to keep this straight in my head.... the global economy has plunged into recession because of the financial industry's disastrous risk management over the last few years.... We taxpayers then committed hundreds of billions of dollars in TARP funds to save these financial firms.... and three months later many of them are reporting excellent (J. P. Morgan Chase or Goldman Sachs) or record (Wells Fargo) profits.... while unemployment rises and other businesses report falling profits.

Don't get me wrong: I'm happy to see the financial sector improve. And I'm guessing that these banks' profits, like the little crocuses poking through the ground in my garden, are the harbingers of broader recovery and renewal. But as one friend asked: How much better would your business be doing right now if taxpayers had given you billions of dollars in low-interest loans?

Five Words

A friend of mine who owns a successful ad agency says that all (good) professional services marketing can be boiled down to five simple words: Me Smart, Make You Rich.

I think he's right. Then again, Bernie Madoff used pretty much the same tagline, and most of his clients now are now among the ex-Rich.

Overheard....

"When this recession is over — when I have money again — I'm making a list of all the people I'm going to $%@! over: All the people who $%@!ed me over — credit card companies, customers — not because I did anything wrong but because it was convenient for them. I don't want to be consumed by it. I have a family, a business to run. But one of my hobbies will be figuring out new ways to $%@! these guys over. I'm making a list of who's been naughty and nice. I'm checking it twice. And I'm going to do everything in my power, over the rest of my life, to $%@! these &*^!#s over."

Memo to self: The recession will end, but the memories of how we treated customers and partners during its depths will last a lifetime.

Just In Case You Haven't Seen It....

.... Here's admitted $50 billion swindler Bernie Madoff in late 2007 explaining why large-scale Wall Street scandals are a thing of the past:

 "In today's regulatory environment, it's virtually impossible to violate rules... This is something the public really doesn't understand. If you read something in the newspaper and you see somebody violated a rule, you say, 'Well, they're always doing this,' but it's impossible for a violation to go undetected."

Miracle Food from Sweden

For those of you worried about whether you're getting enough cholesterol and nitrates in your diet, fret no more: Now you can enjoy the flavor of bacon in a handy paste. Sweden's Squeez Bacon® promises:

• Taste: A "fully cooked 100% bacon paste that [can] be squeezed from a tube." Yum!
• Economy: Thanks to a "patented electro-mechanical process... Squeez Bacon® ... requires no preservatives or other additives." With a shelf life of 12 years (I'm not making this up), how can you go wrong?
• Health: "Each serving is as healthy as real bacon, and equivalent to 4 premium slices of bacon!" Well, that's a relief. As long as it's just as healthy as real bacon.

Make sure you watch the video on this page. And remember, like the company's caveat-laden tagline says: If it's edible, it's better with Squeez Bacon®!

P.S. Can't recommend that you actually purchase the product, but there is just a bit more fun when you click the Buy Now button. Give it a try!