John R. Brandt's Blog

Miracle Food from Sweden

For those of you worried about whether you're getting enough cholesterol and nitrates in your diet, fret no more: Now you can enjoy the flavor of bacon in a handy paste. Sweden's Squeez Bacon® promises:

• Taste: A "fully cooked 100% bacon paste that [can] be squeezed from a tube." Yum!
• Economy: Thanks to a "patented electro-mechanical process... Squeez Bacon® ... requires no preservatives or other additives." With a shelf life of 12 years (I'm not making this up), how can you go wrong?
• Health: "Each serving is as healthy as real bacon, and equivalent to 4 premium slices of bacon!" Well, that's a relief. As long as it's just as healthy as real bacon.

Make sure you watch the video on this page. And remember, like the company's caveat-laden tagline says: If it's edible, it's better with Squeez Bacon®!

P.S. Can't recommend that you actually purchase the product, but there is just a bit more fun when you click the Buy Now button. Give it a try!

New Clothing Restrictions for Bicyclists

Stopped by Starbucks this am, where I happened to spy a group of serious middle-aged bicyclists (lots of expensive equipment, lots of smug self-satisfaction at being serious middle-aged bicyclists) taking a mid-ride break. As a result of this traumatic encounter, I am now calling on Congress to pass emergency legislation to stop the purchase or public use of Spandex by anyone over 40.

Hint to serious middle-aged bicyclists: Those things might be called "compression" shorts or pants, but the laws of physics still apply. Especially the one about not being able to stuff 50 pounds of, er, sugar, into a 10-pound sack.

Sometimes More Is Just... Too Much

My daughter showed me a book called 500 Cupcakes: The Only Cupcake Compendium You'll Ever Need by Fergal Conolly (Sellers Publishing, Inc., 2005). And while the book's subtitle is undeniably true (how many cupcake compendiums does the average person — or even professional baker — actually want or need?), a quick review convinced us that 500 cupcake recipes was at least, oh, 250 too many. If not 350. Consider these page-filling (if not mouth-watering) delicacies:

• Page 46: Vodka, Chili and Chocolate Cupcakes (Is it dinner? Dessert? An aperitif?)
• Page 181: Beet, Chocolate & Fennel Muffins (Um... No.)
• Page 188: Smoked Salmon and Mustard Muffins (Maybe in Scotland. Or prison.)

Ol' Fergal gives up on new recipes completely a couple of times; for example, on page 248 in the Cupcakes for Kids section, the classic Toadstool Cupcake is morphed with frosting and fondant (whatever that is) into Koala Bear Cupcakes, Sneaky Snake Cupcakes, and (I kid you not) Bling Bling Cupcakes, complete with silver and gold candy balls (but no fondant).

You can't make this stuff up.